"...When am I finally going to get something that I want? When is it going to be my turn? How long can I be so giving and unselfish and feel like I get nothing in return. Saying this makes me sound more selfish, but I am not, and you know that. But just how long can this go on? I mean I love giving and I wouldn't change anything about my unselfishness and niceness to other people and even strangers, but shouldn't I be able to get every once and a while? It's like when I give, I give a part of myself, therefore I lose a part of myself. So, I keep getting smaller and smaller and nothing is there to replace it. I am just wondering how small can I get before I just disappear? I sometimes wonder if I disappear would anyone ever notice? Would anyone ever miss me? I wish you would answer my questions because without these answers life is getting to be too much and too hard. It's starting to seem almost pointless to go on. Please tell me these answers so I can get on with my life and not feel abandoned and helpless. Can you tell me if there is something that I am living for?"- http://www.sothere.com/
While this qoute from someone else's blog that I "stumbled upon" maybe a week ago is a little extreme, when I read it I felt like this person had a pretty good idea how I was feeling and I didn't think I would be able to say it much better..
So here is what has been happening in my life this past week in relation to the other blogger's words.. I decided to do a little sociall experiment. Now let me preface this by saying that I am NOT trying to invoke sympathy or make any one feel guilty but in hopes that maybe some people's eyes will be openned and they can maybe bring a smile to someone else's face...
Now that all that is out of the way, I hope people are still reading this! Basically for one week, I did not initiate contact with anyone via phone or computer unless I found the situation to be important enough to violate my rules. I then recorded every converstation that someone else initiated with me (I know that sounds a little creepy, what I mean is that I made a log showing when they and how they contacted me, and why and for how long we conversed). After a week a self-imposed semi-isolation I realized that the most communication I had was with.. of course, my mother.. who initiated some sort of contact with me everyday at least once (some people may find it overbearing but I love my mom and that day if she hadn't contacted me by some point I was really bummed cause I wasn't letting myself contact her first). From there I had a couple friends initaite conversations with me a couple times during the week but for the most part there were just a couple random things that needed to be said but were not really inviting converstation.
Now let me tell you, this was very hard to do! There were a couple situations were there were some specific people I wanted to call/txt when something happened; like when I saw the guy walking two baby goats on leashes in front of my apartment or last Friday during Discovery Days I walked into Fairhaven and was assualted by the smell of marijuana all through out Fairhaven while there were groups touring the school, haha.
In the end I realized as I had assumed, I do start conversations with most of my friends and it seems like if I don't do it then we won't talk which is really hard sometimes because it is nice to feel like someone wants to talk to you specifically which I am sure most of you realize. But I also realized that I have some friends that almost always start our conversations (Alexi, you are just wonderful) I guess it is becaue I feel like if I don't have something specific to talk about I feel like it would be stupid to start a conversation.. But I am realizing that I need to reach out to new people so that they realize I care about them too.. and for the friends that I always have to contact.. I don't know what I am going to do about that, it is tough, as I am sure some of you know (mom).
Well I hope that I have given you all something to think about and that you actually read all the way through it, haha. Let me know what you think, please! I would love to hear some people's opinions on this topic : )
Tootles : D
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